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My Issues: Socializing

I do not hate people. I am not anti-social. I just have a personal problem with being part of any socializing process. You can classify me as a loner.

I feel at a loss when people start lying to each other so easily. Well maybe it’s not lying it’s “polishing facts” and ” soothing the edge of opinions” but I hate it. I do not say I don’t do it  because I find myself needing to do it all the time. I say I hate doing it, I hate people for making me do it, and I hate myself when I do it.

Well, maybe I do hate people. Not all of them, not specifically, not with a vengeance. I just do not feel at ease when people are around. This feeling may increase or decrease depending on how well I know the people around me: I feel less comfortable around strangers and more so around family and friends. I just prefer being alone.

To be honest, I know deep down that people are meant to be with other people, and I do feel the urge to do that sometimes. But not in a very healthy pattern. I feel that it costs me more than I am prepared to offer.

This leads me to another sub-issue: I feel more at ease talking to a stranger online than a real person. You see, my real opinion is more easily expressed if I did not care what the others think of me expressing them! I can be more like me, and less what people want me to be.

Won’t you feel lonely? Anyone would ask.. I would answer that sometimes, the more you are surrounded by people, the lonelier you feel. It is not about the number of people who surrounds you, but truly about who you choose to be with. I do have a few people whose company is a blessing.

Am I lonely? Well, maybe. But then again, who isn’t?



الى أمّي… الى نانا

من أجلك أنت.. أكتب بالعربيّة، أنت التي لطالما قرأتني دون الحاجة الى كلمات أصلاً

أحبك.. لست أدري ان كانت تلك الكلمة التي نستعملها طوال الوقت قد فقدت بريقها بالنسبة اليك أو اذا ما كانت تعبر باخلاص عما أكنه لكنني لا أملك سواها يوم ميلادك … أحبك

أحب يديك، تلك التي تحمل في كل زاوية، مع كل لمسة و في كل حركة اخلاصاً و تفانٍ

أحب عينيك، لا مهرب من تلك الساحرتين..لا مجال لتفادي فحصها الدقيق المفصّل أوسؤالها الصامت: “شو بك؟

أحب دفء حضنك القادر على مواساتي دائماً، وقلقك المتواصل علينا و ال”شو في؟” كلما سمعت صوتاً في الليل-حتى لو كنا نضحك

أحب شعور الامان الذي يغمرني كلما ودعتنا صباحاً أو انتظرتنا مساءً

أحب ابتسامتك التي تزين وجهك حتى في أحلك الظروف

أحب كيف علمت أولادك حب العائلة و الأخلاص لها و بر الوالدين ليس بالكلام الرنان بل بالفعل و القدوة الحسنة

أحب ما زرعت فينا من أخلاق واحترام.. أصبحت أعلم كم كان هذا صعباً

  أنا أعلم أنك هبة الله لي ولكل من يعرفك وأحمد الله يومياً على وجودك في حياتي

أنا أعلم كم كنت (ولا أزال) صعبة المراس عنيدة وفي هذا اليوم المبارك اقول لك : سامحيني

عن كل كلمة قلتها يوماً وأذتك

عن كل لحظة سببت لك ازعاج أو أقلقت راحتك

عن كل ما فعلت أو ما لم أفعل مما لا يرضيك

شكراً لك..شكراً لأنك أنت … لأنّك أمّي…لأنك نانا


You might have heard of the morning sickness, but this has nothing to do with that. In fact, this type of behavior is something quite specialized to my family. It is actually the emergency-like state that comes every morning.Even thought it’s usually my sister Mimi that does this kind of behavior, I don’t blame her completely. My father and mother practiced it so many times when we were young (and still do) that I think it became a part of her personality.
Needless to say, I always am reluctant to leave my bed every morning to go to school.. that’s normal and I think no one would feel differently.
but on top of that, there is this neurotic behavior that I have to endure from my sister each morning that gets on my nerves:
It starts with hurrying me up “yalla t2ekharna” every time she bumps into me during the morning.
Next, comes the angry attitude I get if or when I forget something I need to get, the “puff” she makes can move mountains!
Then, at the door ,which she always reaches first, I get the “look” that can freeze you to the ground (if not immunized like me).
The final stage comes after reaching school when we always, ALWAYS, arrive late no matter what the time is! “Shefti? t2ekharna”.

I must add that I DON’T have to be there that early and sometimes I even have free periods in the morning!

But that’s not the end of it I’m afraid, because if you think about it there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be on time and pushing people to do so (never mind the way). the problem is that this behavior is imprinted in her so deeply that it happens no matter the time or the place we wanted to go: afternoon walk or evening visit,even a trip to the market! I mean, who has to be “on time” for a walk!!!

What I enjoy watching every time is when my dad or mum and my sister have the same “condition” at the same time. Trust me, a million dollar scene happens where the stares, the comments and the angry gestures clash in a giant loss of temper.

When in vacation such as this one, I enjoy waking up in the morning because there is no rush to prevent an angry comment or a raging stare.
If you have witnessed this kind of behavior, you have my sympathy. If not, consider yourself lucky!

Bargees… Ancient but still exciting!

Traditional games are often considered out of date and boring. This is not, however, how I feel about “Bargees”.

Bargees is a complex ‘cross-and-circle’ race board game. It might be as old as from the 4th century A.D. and was regarded as The National Game of India. How it moved to our middle-eastern culture I’m not sure.But it did and it’s now part of our traditions.

It’s a bit complicated to explain how the game works and I will not attempt to (unless I get overwhelmed with demands 😉 ).This is why I googled an explanation. This is the best one I found:

“Barjees is a 2 player game where each player has 4 pieces and must move all their pieces across the board from start to finish. Rather than using dice to determine the moves, Barjees uses cowry shells instead. Traditonally the game is also played on a cloth board.”

Although there are 2 sets of pawns one for each player, this game is better when played in groups , “partners” as we call them. It can be played in groups of 2, 3 or 4… the more the merrier! There is an amazing sense of companionship, “camaradrie” if you want that overwhelms you while playing in groups, but mostly there is fiery competition! For a competitive person (moi) you cannot ask for a better game!

To be honest, when we used to play this game as kids, I understood little of how the mystical pawns moved but I loved playing  with my grandma anyway. “Tayta” is a great player, she enjoys the game a lot and I learnt to love it because she did. She had passed the passion to her kids, of course. My mom, and my aunt both play this game with almost the same passion as her and with as much skill. She was also a very patient teacher that instructed me well on the basis and tricks of Bargees.

The most interesting aspect however  is when we tease each other about the game! Amazingly, even the sentences and the taunts are inherited:

” Shakkeh…bl berkeh”
” Bara …. Ya khsara”

” Dast.. w 3mer, dasten ….w 3mren…”

” Banj.. Banajaki Allah”

As a result, I fell helpless victim of its charm and I’m a hopeless addict! I wouldn’t miss a chance to play and often nag for a long period of time until someone obliges me.

This is an open invitation for all of you out there who, like me, are Bargees “addicts” : whenever you feel like playing a game..Choose ME!